I am in my second marriage now, my first marriage did not work out the way we thought it would do. At the end of that course I made a realisation and that realisation has served me from the age of 32 to now, 12 years later and the same theme comes up time and time again.
I realised that I was a unique person. I realised that he was a unique person and that we are both uniquely beautiful, however we did not bring the best out in each other. We both had, and hopefully still have, many positive attributes however our relationship seemed to put a damper or a shadow on our brightness and we had a negative influence on each other instead of positive. It did not mean that we did not love or care for one another, we really did, however our way of being, our way of doing just did not seem to bring the best cocktail to the dinner party.
That realisation brought a feeling of ‘resolve’ a deep understanding and an ability to let go, without judgement, without blame.
I then made a decision to apply that philosophy to my whole life, to every relationship I have:
Today I find myself in a position where one of my closest (of closest) friends and I had to go our separate ways. We have been on separate ways now since a few weeks ago. This period lasted for approximately 18 months. An extraordinary length of time. At the beginning each week felt like the longest marathon, the pain and intensity of the pain was at times unbearable. Most of the times I had to force myself to direct my attention and focus somewhere else. I have lost a lot. And it was very painful, in many ways it did turn my life upside down and all the other people that were also affected.
However, I realised and reminded myself of two things in this time.
The influence of a positive relationship, where two people bring the best out in one another, where they strengthen the positives in life, collectively and individually. I was able to take full accountability to acknowledge that our relationship, our drive in communication, our way of being did not support the positive and neither did it bring out the best in each other. In actual fact, that relationship somehow ended up in a very uneven, slippery, dodgy curve where we were actually quite destructive to ourselves and others through our energy.
This reflection was a sliding door moment for me and I became grateful for the ‘end of destruction’ and the ability to get distance from it and the ability to derive insight from the relationship and what fed it.
I felt an immediate release of tension and battle and I let ‘it’ (her) go. It did not take the pain away immediately, it was still hurting, however the negative emotions and energy dissipated and I could feel how I was able to expand my chest again, opening my wings and that I could feel how I wanted to fly again.
I realised, that we both needed the time to connect with our own positive selves, the versions that we want to be. I had a deep sense of faith that our paths would meet at one point in the future and I made it my intent to be in the ‘right place’ in myself when that contact arrives.
I am also very clear in what I want to have in our relationship and which aspects of the relationship I want to keep 6 feet and deeper underneath the soil.
I also reminded myself to focus on what I had and have in my life; the other, very important friends in my life and how much I value them. I made a point to feed those relationships with my thoughts, my active communication and participation and I realised that you do not miss when you genuinely focus on what you have. During this time, I have lost one friend for a while, however it helped me foster new relationships and it awakened old relationships in a new way.
I believe that it is such a valuable lesson to me and all of us. When things just don’t seem to work between two people, is it not right then to take ‘time out’ and to give everyone a chance to blossom in their unique, individual way? Space needs confidence and a deep inner belief that when it is meant to be, it will be.
I am glad that I had the conviction and courage to truly let go.
I am grateful for having a second chance to have a go, and this time the intent is, and will remain, to bring the positive out in each other and all the people around us.