I had a hand on forehand moment yesterday. At times, I genuinely think I am a bit slow on the uptake; I am blonde – a bit fake these days, bet it would be more like ‘silver’ but never mind, let’s not digress – seriously, the time it takes to come to certain realisations…
To value my own time, to prioritise time for myself above others.
So many streams of thought enter my brain all at once now that I am feeling overwhelmed, however let’s see what comes out, brain to finger tips. The brain has to make a decision now, because I am not in a position to, so I am just going to keep on typing and then the first thought might pop out… By the way, that is how I always write, some people have asked me how I write and the simple answer is, I write how I talk, I am literally just having a conversation… I think my grammar is quite poor; I have my dad (Stephan) and Alice endlessly checking and editing ! On that note, when you discover a mistake, please do report it to me!!! We can blame it all on Stephan and Alice (😊). PPS! Things get really spicy and juicy when they start to correct each another… SA grammar vs English grammar… plus I had no formal English teaching. I am not worried about the technical aspect; it is a creative, therapeutic outlet for me and it helps me to feel connected to people.
My upbringing was: You before Me (protestant religion and a level-headed Afrikaans upbringing).
I am not going to debate on the above, I am grateful as it has served me in many aspects, however it also did not and I paid very hefty penalties for that; growing pains and figuring stuff out. I will never live a life where I do not consider my impact on others and my environment – never. However I know now, that when it comes to health and so many other things in my life, I have to put myself first. I cannot serve, or treat, or heal or teach when I do not look after myself very well. So many times, and sometimes in the eyes of adversity, discomfort and possible conflict, I simply have to say ‘no’ to others (by putting my priorities first).
Me before You: That will never feel comfortable…
For me, it has become You = Me and it has a little hinging point, which allows for a few degrees up and a few degrees down, however it has a finite time, it cannot hover in one position for too long, as then the hinge breaks and the system fails. This little application, is at the back of my heart, my brain, it is not engrained into my soul, I take it everywhere. Equal, nourishing exchanges.
When I call my sister and I have a real old ‘bitch’ on the phone, I thank her afterwards and I extend a credit, sometimes a few to her. Next time when she calls me, she says I have a credit that I want to use… It works like gold but most of the time now, we need or use no credits. It is simply as if ‘something has cured itself’.
Covid, you have imposed time upon me, upon all of us. I have rediscovered and reconnected with so many aspects of myself that have been put in the shed, some for a decade. Slowly, slowly I am sharpening my tools.
When I started to work with clients, I was just grateful for any pair of feet in front of my door, I would have bent myself backwards 100 times! And I did and I still so often find myself doing it.
The problem with this though is huge. The hinge on the little scale breaks, because it leans to one direction all the time. I end up treating my life away. Have I enjoyed it? 100% yes. Have I felt valued? 100% yes. Have I learnt, have I felt proud, have I felt that I have achieved something, did it feel good? Yes, yes, yes and yes…
However, time is little, precious ones in my life do not have infinite amount of time left on this planet we live on. I do have tools that I want to keep out of the shed and in full use (like my painting, my writing, cooking myself, tending to my garden, meeting a friend and having a good time, learning, traveling, playing, to lie on my back and dream…..). I am now saying yes to ‘time for me’, ‘time for the people I love and care for’, I say yes ‘to energy’ , I say yes ‘to clients that want to commit, learn, practise, grow, get better, be more self-reliant and empowered with the tools to look after themselves.
I say no to ‘laziness’, to ‘people who say they will, but never do’, to ‘people that only want fixing’. I will fix you temporarily, however you will need to pay for my expertise, my energy – mental, physical and emotional, my healing hands and for everything that I will push into you to make you feel better. It is damn hard work, it is brutal and you can only help so many people a day. I can only ‘fix’ so many people a day.
Fixing is a thing that we need to look at. How often do I need fixing? What is the impact of ‘my fixing’ on others? How much am I prepared to pay for a person that brings optimal energy, emotional and cognitive awareness, a strong body, an empathetic nature, deep intuition and skilful, practised hands with a friendly, caring nature?
Therapy is an exchange. it is a partnership between two people; it is sharing and ‘working together’ – at times we receive, however we need to understand the value of that ‘receiving’.
It feels really good to be able to say it out loud, without feeling guilty and without feeling scared. It is what it is.