Chapter 12 | Sadness

artwork by suzanne of trees

Yesterday was a really sad day for me. It started off with not feeling well when I got up, I tossed and turned all night having to think of where I am going to get £50 000 to inject into my business. The injection is one thing, but (and I don’t like using the word but) how long will it last and what will happen after another 3 months. Another £50k and then another… Besides the money and the debt that you carry there’s the enormous effort of busting your guts, inside and out, to build a business – to get the business on an even keel after 3 years of working so hard, literally physically, emotionally and mentally, sweating, pushing long hours and sacrificing so much in the process to then be pushed back again by 12-18 months and to have to find the courage, energy and resilience to continue to fight again an all levels is hard.

It is tough. It’s all that I can say, bloody tough. You have to ask yourself whether you have the resources, and my biggest challenge at the moment, for myself, is do I have that emotional depth that this will take? Mentally I can, physically I am more robust than most (to the point of stupidity at times), however do I, Suz, really have the emotional stamina to carry my load, and the load of my clients and team?

My alternative: Give up. Get out.

Blank. I feel nothing. There is a release of burden – perhaps a sense of freedom due to the less responsibility, however, my purpose, my ambition, my connection, the flame in my heart, my vision – it all gets dimmer and dimmer to the point of being black.

The reality is, my life has given me a network of people whom I love, people with whom I share my life on a weekly basis. I feel connected, loved and supported. It is the people I laugh with though, and with whom I learn and figure stuff out that add meaning to my life and bring so much joy. Yes there are also pains, irritations and feeling fed-up and exhausted.  However, my life would not be half of what it is without SFStudios. SFStudios is the clients, the people. SFStudios, to a large extent, defines my being.

So will it be tough?  Yes, it will be tough. Will I have the energy? I really hope so. We can only do this with support, with people that believe in us and themselves to get through this. I am grateful for having a clear direction, for understanding what we do and why we do it and I am so grateful for my team and for all of my friends.

I felt so bad yesterday, that I started to cry when my internet connection did not work. I had a client booked in for 8.30am, I got up at 6.30am, did my meditation, got myself ready well in time and then the bleeding internet would not work. I ran upstairs, downstairs, I swore in poor Judit’s ear, I threatened to throw the wifi booster and computer into the pond and I even gave Judit an option; either that in the pond or me…

Judit, you were amazing, thank you for just bringing my attention to my task, for not telling me off and for keeping on telling me that it will be OK. Thank you Fiona for understanding and for changing your session and thank you to my first class for your diligent breathing to calm me down.

The only thing that I could think of before my class was to finish my current drawing… It’s as if the pencils called me and told me that they will calm me down. And yes, they did, I felt instantaneously better. I then had a flashback memory of my visit to SA, when my niece was so unhappy and wouldn’t stop crying. I took a piece of paper and two pens and I just started to draw next to her, she looked at me through her teary eyes and finally picked up the pen, lay on her stomach and there we were, just drawing together – no words – the drawing was all that was needed.

I decided to call a friend after the class. She always infuses me with energy, I cannot help to feel love and to smile when I see her or hear her voice. On top of it all, I know that she is a great listener and has incredibly empathy. Thank you for being there for me in my hour of need, you know who you are. That human connection and to know that you are not alone means the world.

So yes, we will put our boots back on and we will fight this fight to the bitter end.

Let’s chat about Resilience tomorrow… unpack and prepare all of us for it because that is what it is going to take.

(the picture is Suz’s artwork)

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