Chapter 2 | Awareness

woman meditating

Today I write for the second time about my experience. Two days ago I wrote my second blog entry, I had such a lovely time writing it and I experienced such a free-flow – only to discover that I had lost the ‘piece’ somehow. I was rather sad. For me to lose something and not to find is not that strange, however, for me to lose a document and for Viktor (our IT Boffin) not to find it is very rare. Which meant in this case, that gone is gone, like in forever gone.

Ahhh.. silence… as you can see it has taken two days for me to write again, let’s call it a stumbling block. After my meditation this afternoon however I realised that this incident is so much part of our lives – we start something; we are so full of enthusiasm, aspirations and expectations and then we encounter a stumbling block, something goes wrong. For example when you just begin to physically train and then 3 days in you get a cold. Whatever it is, it halts you, it throws you back and so often it is so easy to lose our focus and to delay and in most cases to never re-start again. It was a good lesson for me, as it very quickly scrutinised my intentions.

So back on track, not expecting the tide or the wind to be in my favour, but when it is to be grateful and not to be complacent to believe that that is the norm. The most wonderful, bizarre thing happened to me on Tuesday. I woke up without an alarm before 6am, I saw the light streaming in through my window and could not believe how light the day was already (when did this happen? I’ve got so used to waking up in the dark). Usually I feel tired in the morning and I would have just turned over and gone back to sleep, however, I looked through the window over the ponds and I could see already a few people walking and running. And I thought – this is it…

It was incredible to get out there so early, the birds were wide awake too, the air cool and fresh and the world was silent. One immediately sensed that the ‘social norm’ in the morning at this time was definitely now to keep at least a 2m distance, and when possible not even to be on the same path. Some elderly couples literally stop when they see you coming their way and I realised just how intense the fear is in some people. I wanted to support them in this and ran with the utmost respect.

I had two incidences where I had to laugh. The first, I ran past a mum and her two young boys, the track was hilly and winding and one of the little boys veered off to the right into my pathway. The mum called his name ‘Sean’ after him in a tone of voice that you know 100% that he has been told about the rules and that he is now breaking one… Sean turned around with the biggest frown, palms turned upside down, shoulders hunched and said: “Mummy that one ran in front of me!!!”…

The second incident, I was hitting a lovely pretty even downhill surface past the Lady’s Pond, a lovely stretch when you come down from Kenwood House – I always feel that ‘the horse inside of me’ can be released for a gallop here. There was an elderly man walking up at the other end of the path (it’s a path broad enough for cars) and he literally held his hand in front of his mouth and nose and turned his head away! Today though, I did not take offence – I wish I had his address, and I could find a face mask to post it to him, but then again, he’s probably the last person that would accept a foreign mask with a friendly note through the post. Saying that, I struggled to bring my delivery of a box of acrylic paint inside today…

My dad’s saying rings through my ears every day: ‘One has to have a purpose every day, even if it is to just post one letter’. I get that. Routine is so helpful in this period. I have made some big decisions recently and I am keeping to most however the ‘phone’ and ‘messages’ do slip often still. That dopamine release that triggers the reward system within our bodies is so powerful; that little ‘treat hit’ every now and then. But then before you know it your day is gone and when you really think back about what you have done, you realise that you have spent most of your time on the phone.

A lot of my friends were pretty annoyed with me for a bit. I made it really clear that I could not entertain the CV (coronavirus) conversation every day – every discussion. I literally had to break contact with quite a few. I bet that must have felt hard however one has to be tough at times to protect yourself and preserve your energies. I also believe that we have to learn to rely on ourselves during these times, we have the time and place now to be innovative, creative, to learn to be by ourselves… it is a gift in many ways.

I am aware of a very profound peace deep within. I am grateful for that, I don’t think I could bear living with anxiety every day, I think it would have nibbled at me, bit by bit, until there was nothing less of ‘self’. The online teaching is going better, I realised that I have to believe in my intent in life, in myself and what, and how, I deliver – more than ever before. It is a good time for me to learn to function, to teach without feedback, without a smile or a tap on the shoulder: I can only rely on what I felt. I also realised that I have to delve deep to find that connection with people, beyond facial expressions, without hearing them, seeing them, without being able read through their body language. That is only possible when I am truly centred within myself.

I must have said for the last 10 years that I want to meditate, I had many attempts that lasted for a few days (perhaps), but I was always too busy or too tired – I am now meditating twice per day. I cannot believe that I was too busy to meditate before. How could I possibly have been too busy to be grounded in myself daily? What the hell? I love being at home. I love being at home and not just when I am tired. I love cooking fresh food and enjoying it rather than ‘having’ to do it, I love the fact that we don’t have to eat on the dot at 8pm (or else I get anxious about my sleeping time)… things are more fluid now. I say with all honesty, that I have never felt as much ‘at home’ as now… being at home with nowhere to go… I feel loved and safe here. I am learning more about myself than I could ever imagine. A beautiful realisation for me today which I shared with one of my soulmates Ginny – I said to her all of the ‘stuff’ that we speak about, all the ‘stuff’ that we teach our pupils, that we teach people on retreats, all the things that she and I always want to do; create, explore, find the meaning of our lives, our dreams – all of those things belong to us, to her and me. We didn’t speak about other people’s lives, I didn’t chase other peoples’ dreams – it actually all really belongs to me, my hopes and dreams, and now I have the time to do them… I am elated in many ways.

I am not for a second nonchalant/non-empathetic about the plight of the world, however, to fully connect with our inner being and with life itself, we need to be able to detach ourselves and only then can we fully be present with ourselves. Another beautiful sunset today – and now it is time to serve dinner, however I am flexible (😊)

You might also like