Chapter 16 | Hovering

hot air balloons going over mountains

I have found myself in a strange place the last two days.  I am not unhappy. I am not bored. I am not negative… however I don’t have my ‘normal’ (that only applies to my normal) drive and enthusiasm.

I find myself reluctantly wiping the kitchen surfaces and I made myself wash the windows (the first time it was fun, new and even exciting but now…). I performed my tasks and I would say diligently however not passionately or lovingly.

I wondered about this for a bit and I had a visualisation of myself standing at Heathrow airport in a queue. I was excited to be in a queue, I was excited to scan my boarding pass and put my things in my tray ready to be scanned. Excited by the little things that I like to get and do on the way to the Boarding Gate – water, fruit, nuts, a tuna baguette from Pret, ear plugs from Boots, a trip to the loo – with the usual anticipation.

I realised that all of this is about an adventure – a trip to the known, however ‘unknown’ it will be – a step into another ‘world/life’ with a spontaneous disposition to be greeted by our friends, and the people we usually see at the local boulangerie and the lovely fruit stalls; the waiters we know at our local restaurants, Rene and Nicolas and the guy at the corner shop where we buy the Sunday Times on a Sunday on our way to eat fresh croissants at the little tables outside in the sunshine. Gazing at people and just observing life with that massive feeling of joy and belonging in our hearts.

A place where the narrative is different, where we discuss a variety of every day life. Where people are friends and not ‘things to fear’… even though you love them they still carry a possible threat.

I cannot fly away, I cannot drive away and I am not allowed to walk too far away. How do I change the scene? Then I realise and I have to remind myself again that some people can never change the scene, the same scene might be the only scene for years for a life time. We can envision being in a war, in a concentration camp, in a prison, in a wheelchair, in a bed; in a bad place inside our head where we feel frightened and captured. Week 4 of lockdown, yes, I think in some ways, not in all ways, but in some ways is perhaps getting tedious, starting to feel like a ‘drag’ – however it is really not permanent and maybe it is my challenge to work through this tediousness knowing that this too will pass and then tedious will become ‘different’ again.

Having a meaningful focus, being able to work on or at something, gives me a purpose. That purpose relates to an increase in energy. The increased energy leads to feeling emotionally better and it brings me clarity. It spurs me into action and all of a sudden I am engaged again and time does not seem to matter.

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